I had plans to continue with some groundwork, but feel the need to
write this today. Recently a
friend wrote me an email regarding my first blog. As I sat down to simply respond, it occurred to me that I
have a problem. It is very
difficult to just “simply” respond.
Everything is layered upon layers.
It’s kind of like the following scenario: As I come into work, someone asks, “How is it going?” I’m caught with my mouth open… “Cricket”
sound. Such a simple question. Where do I begin? In my mind, it’s like that swollen
moment in An Occurrence at Owl Creek
Bridge, when Peyton Farquhar is finally sent to his death. I contemplate all the events of the
morning. I think to myself: ‘Well, I feel like I’ve been kicked in
the shins with steel toes. I woke
up late. The coffee grounds leaked
into the pot. Too acidic. Especially in light of the fact that
yesterday’s coffee was superlative ~ Nothing quite as powerful as
disappointment ~ Then, I carried too much stuff to the car at once. The strap
of my bag worked itself off my shoulder, dropped, and wrenched me forward. It was then that I discovered I had not
snapped the lid of my coffee shut. I burned my leg, and stained my pants. I jerked so fast that I hit my left
temple on the corner of the open car door. I cussed so loud that I woke up my neighbor’s dog. After gathering myself, I proceeded to load
my scattered things into the car and turned toward the house in order to change
my pants. My belt loop caught on
that cylinder part of the door latch mechanism and tore a hole in my
pants.” Are you kidding me? What is this, Chris Farley Day?
“Dooon’t wurry,” I say to
myself with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, “Tooooday is payday. And yoooou have yoooour favorite coooookies
in your luunch.” Then, like
Payton,” I snap back to a coworker’s crooked face, which is wondering why the
question, ‘How’s it going?’ has produced sweat beads on my forehead. I finally reply, “I’m Faaaaantaaaaastic.” And, with a steamy hot tub smile, I
blunder down the hallway. It’s
8:07am. The burn on my leg is
rubbing against my pants. I’ve got
another twitch in my left eye. I’m
ready for bed.
“Mind travel” is not an uncommon occurrence for me. As you will see, a simple email
response turned into a novel. But
I think it sheds some light on where things are going:
-------------------------------
John,
I tried to comment on your letter but was somehow foiled in the
end.
What you seem to be doing is self-introspection and you seem to
have been doing it for a long time. I remember some of our conversations
and that was obvious. Seeking Truth is an incredible journey but I wonder
whether you are prepared for the results. As you know, I think the
journey takes you far from God and I wonder: Can you handle that? Can you give
up quoting long dead mystics from the great books? Mystics who believed in
superstitions, genies, angels and what not?
During my youth I sought Truth, found none and have, in fact,
abandoned my search. I stand naked under the sun, alone in the
cosmos. If your journey takes you there, will you join me?
Thanks for including me on your list…
-----------------------------------------
Dear “John Doe”,
Thanks for responding.
It is good to hear your thoughts.
First of all, I’m new at this blog thing. It was recommended to me that I should set up my blog so
that people have to click on the blue button on the right called “join this
site” in order to comment. It will
supposedly minimize random people throwing out anonymous comments.
You are correct. I am
in a constant state of analysis and introspection. There is a lot to unlearn. I have found that deception infiltrates even the most
sincere individuals. Many of my
teachers were, and are, misguided.
There has been so many times when I’ve put my faith into something only
to be disappointed in the end, and then disillusion, alienation, and
despair. So, at times, I feel,
like you say, alone in the universe, almost. Ironically, and regardless of how lonely I get, I always
find myself telling God about it.
Does that mean I’m full of faith or that I have an imaginary
friend? There could be arguments
made for either. I could be a bit
of a nutcase with incoherent ramblings.
But, maybe not.
To be honest, there have been times when I have almost given up my
faith due to emotional issues. (Not mine, but things like suffering in the
world). But I also study
apologetics, science, and philosophy.
At this point in my research, the logical issues keep me on “the path,”
even when my emotions rage against God.
Nothing else is even remotely coherent in terms of explaining
things. There are too many
unanswered questions without the divine.
For instance, why do we seek meaning? Why is there a cosmic “aloneness” to be identified and, at
least connotatively, that the aloneness is sad? Alone as opposed to what? Sad compared to what?
Why is it that we wonder about any of this? Isn’t there a reality out there that says we should not be
alone, that we should not be sad?
I’m convinced that if people weren’t busy anesthetizing themselves,
they’d gnaw off their tongues. The
question of meaning will not be silenced.
It’s what separates human beings from animals. The question of meaning is what makes slave ships so
reprehensible. Unlike animals,
people laid in their little wooden boxes wondering “WHY” am I here? Why are these vicious white men
treating me like a beast? Why did
my own black men help them capture me?
Why am I forced to defecate on myself? I digress.
People believe they have purpose (either real or superficial), or
attempt to escape purpose, or live in despair. Sometimes it is a mixture of the three cycling through to
eternity. But it is virtually impossible
to ignore the need for meaning.
As far as the uncertainty of the search goes, I’m never sure how
prepared I am, but I forge onward nevertheless. And, as you surmise, it is not as if I am at the beginning
of the journey. I’ve been
rummaging around for a while now.
Fear and I are old friends.
But I’m more afraid to not know, than to know. In my case, ignorance is not bliss.
I’m not sure what old vs. new or alive vs. dead mystics have to do
with anything. I’ve heard plenty
of ludicracy in modern rhetoric.
In fact, it seems that, at times, the newer the voice, the more
speculative it tends to be. People
write whole books in order to say nothing. But how does one determine whether or not there is value in
a person’s words? What does a
person use to measure whether or not something is ludicrous or laudable,
superstitious or supernatural? Or,
if one does not have a measure, how does one even talk about anything? No value can be allocated to
anything. There is no difference
between eating a cheeseburger and slitting someone’s throat. They are both just part of life. Not good. Not bad. Just
life.
Furthermore, it seems that there are two implications of what you
said, “…I sought Truth, found none…” There either is truth that is unknowable,
or there is no truth at all. Both
statements emerge as “truthful” or “absolute” statements. I’m not sure how to get around the fact
that there is “objectivity” out there.
Without it, sentences start to contradict each other. And, if our subjectivity rules, we
indirectly claim omniscience. How
else could someone say, ‘there is nothing true outside of what goes on in my
own mind?’ Is that not
self-deification?
If there is no truth, why try to convince someone of it? If truth exists, where does it come
from? Why do we have this notion
that we should be truthful, or honest, or honorable, or kind, or good, or
loyal? Why do we cringe at
violence, or child marriage, or anything?
Atheism says that it just is.
Theology declares that one thing is right and the other is wrong.
I do seem to remember that you are more to the agnostic end of
things. I can relate to
agnosticism far more than any other position. There are many issues that lend themselves to the world of
uncertainty. But I have found
things that I accept as certain.
Without them, everything starts to contradict itself. Obviously, the law of noncontradiction
is one. Other things I
accept: gravity, birth, death,
laws of thermodynamics, beauty, hate, and taxes. One of my favorite apologists, Greg Boyd, said something
that I will never forget. ‘Start
with what you know and work toward the things you don’t.’ That’s where I find myself. I’ll follow it to wherever it may lead.
I’m glad I put you on the list too…
Sincerely,
John
----------------------------
My friend responded back with some other great observations that
caused me to think of other layers and layers of responses, ad infinitum. I realized that I would have to pick up
there a little later, because I need to establish my own groundwork in order
for my comments to make sense in the long run. So, until next time…
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